I am doing much better then I was when I last posted.
Things are not great. We still have a broken car and no means to buy a new one.
We continue to live day by day.

My relationship with God is a work in progress but I keep praying. I do feel as though I am standing a little more guarded then I was previous to my recent meltdown. I hopeful God will soften my heart a little and guide me back to the place I was months ago.

Changing topics here...

Our church has recently made an announcment of some changes they are going to make. My husband and I went to a Q and A for the members and left with mixed feelings.
I have wanted to write out my feelings on this blog but struggle because I don't know if that would be viewed as *gossiping* or being disloyal to my church.

Input?

Angry

I am feeling lost and angry right now. I am begging for prayers. I am still blindly searching and feel very close to giving up and walking away.
Our van is toast. We got a call from the repair shop and they told us it is time to put the van to rest. It needs a new engine.
We have been working on getting ourselves back on our feet. Our credit stinks. We can't get a loan for a new car.
On top of that, as we were walking out the door pick up the broken van I received another bill. That demands attention asap.

We are TRYING. What else can I do!? Seriously.
I lost it on my way home from the dealership.
Full on hystrical sobbing.
I am away from my children 11 hours a day working. So we can make good on our debt and all this stuff keeps popping up!?
What am I suppose to be doing diffrently? What am I supposed to be learning.
I have clung to God over the past several years. Trusting he was guiding me. I thought I was working on doing what I was supposed to.
I am just so angry right now.
So defeated.

Pray for me.

Please pray for me.

6/23/10

We made it through a trying weekend ( you can read about it on the family blog. Www.baksha.com username: family password: reading2009) and continue to move ahead. Holding on, with a tight grip to Faith!
I have felt calmer this week. My worries still creep on me and I find myself slowly slipping but I quickly stop myself and pray.
Every single morning I pray that the Lord will help me and every day I can feel his work in my life. Stopping to let myself reflect on the small steps has been a great blessing for me.

I praise his name and thank him for loving me!

6-16-10

I am in a spot at this moment that I hope to hold on to for a while.
Trusting and loving. With my entire being.
Gladly walking toward the future.
Trusting.

Yesterday, about two hours after I wrote the previous post, I was on my way home (in the rain) from work. Listening to the radio and muddling through my thoughts. Going through my checklist of the day. The usual.
I got home, made dinner for my daughter and took a shower.
Boring boring boring. Right?
When I went downstairs, something caught my eye. I opened the door and was blessed to view the most beautiful vibrant rainbow I have ever witnessed. Honestly, the colors were so bright they looked fake. A perfect rainbow going over our subdivision. You could see one end to the other. Perfect.
I instantly felt loved. Blessed.

I ran over to our neighbor’s home, whom is a photographer because I knew he would want to get pictures of the beauty in the sky.
Unfortunately, our neighbor is not a believer and the beauty he observed was a different experience then the one I had.
I am grateful for the experience I had.
As we sat watching the clouds cover the rainbow my husband pulled up in the driveway. The neighbor and I up on the balcony. My husband down below. I smiled as he asked if we had seen the rainbow.
I love that man so much.
He loves me.
God picked us for each other with as much care and thought as when placing that rainbow over our neighborhood yesterday.
We need constant reminders.
At least I do.

06-15-10

I am toying around with dusting this blog off and taking a new approach to it.
That may change tomrrow and this post ,along with the rest of the blog and a million other things in my life may sit here in the dark for an unknown amount of time.
We'll see.

For today. I am going to ramble on.

I want to be the wife and mother God wants me to be.
I want to be the daughter,friend and sister he wants me to be.
How? How do I get there? How will I know? Will I ever know?

God has worked so many amazing blessings into my life and I often find myself feeling selfish for taking so much for granted. I slip up DAILY in my self absorbed thoughts and *worry* about stuff. Stuff that I really have no buisness getting so worked up over. I get tunnel vision and get consumed with that one little factor and do not see the complete full picture around me.

This has caused a great deal of stress in my marriage. This has put a huge stamp of disfunction in one of the most important relationships in my life.
Some people are compulsive eaters. Some people are addicted to drugs. I think I am addicted to worry. Is that possible?
I have hear sermon after sermon , read book after book and it all says the same thing.
" Give your worry to God."
" You can not fully develop your relationship with God unless/until you can fully trust him and give him your worry."

Can I just say "Aaaaaaacccck!!!"
Over and over again I try.
Over and over again I ask.

Is my inability to overcome this work of Satan or just lack of my knowledge of Gods word? Both?
What am I missing?

God- Please put peace in my heart and my mind. Please give me the ability to cast my worries to you and walk the path you desire for me. I cry out to you Father! Please.

Not perfect

I had an interesting thing happen this week that I thought I would share here. I flubbed up and I am so thankful that I have been forgiven by God for my mistake.

I do not want to dish out all the details of the events that took place because that would go against what I learned from James. *sigh*

James 3:6

How do you share how the Lord has worked in your life without *gossiping* and telling the story? This is hard.

I was deeply hurt by someone in my life. I was stabbed with hurtful words. I reacted badly at first. I immediately talked about it with other people in my life. Foolishly thinking that by talking about it, that would somehow take away the pain? No matter what that person did to me it was NOT right for me react the way I did.

I made a mistake. I stopped myself and asked for God’s forgiveness. As soon as I said that prayer, I felt okay with what was going on. I was hurt. I felt betrayed but I knew it was not my deal. Underlying issues were troubling this persons heart. I did not bring on such hate and I was not going to tear myself up over what that person had said. I will continue to pray for that persons heart but that is all I can do.

I am a Christian. I am not perfect. That is okay. I make mistakes. That is okay. God loves me.

James 5

James 5 Warning to Rich Oppressors

James 5:5

You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence you have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter.

*James proclaims the worthlessness of riches, not the worthlessness of the rich. Today's money will be worthless when Christ returns, so we should spend our time accumulating the kind of treasures that will be worthwhile in God's eternal kingdom. Money is not the problem. It is the love of money that leads to evil. *

There have been times I have cried out to God, asking him why Joe and I seem to always struggle financially. Why do we live pay check to pay check. Why can't we send all three of our children to private Christian school? Why Lord...WHY?

God has provided me with a home.
God has provided me with food.
God has provided me with clothing.
God has provided me with a vehicle.

He has provided me with FAR more then is necessary to live. Above all, he has provided me with health, family and friends.

When I go into one of my little temper boo hoo tantrums about finance I need to humble myself and remember that the MONEY should NEVER be my DESIRE!

James 5: 7-9

You too,be patient and stand firm,because the Lords coming is near. Don't grumble against each other,brothers or you will be judged. The judge is standing at the door.

* Don't live as if Christ will never come. Work faithfully to build his kingdom.The king WILL come when the time is right.When things go wrong we tend to grumble against and blame others for our miseries. Blaming others is easier then owning our share of responsibility. Before you judge others for their shortcomings, remember that Christ the judge will come to evaluate each of us. He will not let us get away with shifting blame to others.

This terrifies me! Anyone who knows me even just a little,knows that I cannot stand for anyone to be upset with me. It drives me mad if I have let someone down or find out they do not like me for some reason.
Thinking about standing before Christ, knowing that I have disappointed him makes my heart race, face flush, palms sweat--etc. Classic panic attack.
I remind myself of this feeling every time I feel the urge to judge another person. It is NOT my place to judge or cast my problems - my faults as someone Else's fault.


James 5:12

Above all my brothers, do not swear-not by heaven or by earth or by anything else.Let your "yes" be yes, and your "No" be no,or you will be condemned.

* A person with a reputation for exaggeration or lying often can't get anyone to believe him on his word alone. Christians should never become like that. Always be honest so that others will believe your simple yes or no.By avoiding lies, half truths,and omissions of the truth,you will become known as a trustworthy person.

Because of my strong need to have people 'pleased' with me I am ashamed to say I have fallen as not being entirely honest at times. Later, I feel sick with guilt about it.
I believe God has helped me work on this and I am much less tempted now. Something I am working on is making promises and following through on my promise. I will make a promise FULLY intent on doing what I say but then I will loose the desire or realize I was never capable of fulfilling it. Unfilled promises are like half-truths. Right? Will you please pray for me about this?
5:20

remember this:Whoever turns a sinner from error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.

*The book of James emphasizes faith in action.Right living is the evidence and result of faith. The church must serve with compassion, speak lovingly and truthfully, live in obedience to God's commands and love one another. If we truly believe Gods word, we will live it day by day. God's word is not merely something we read or think about,but something we DO. Belief, faith and trust must have hands and feet- ours! *